In my desire to be a mother - my biggest dream - there was something I never put too much thought into. And if I did, I surely romanticized it.
Kids grow up.
It shouldn’t be shocking. I was a kid and I have (for the most part) grown up. I have watched other people’s children grow up.
But in the fleeting moments I imagined MY babies grown up, it was visions of them and their spouses and children gathered for happy holidays and celebrations. And then they would leave and walk the 10 steps to their own homes that would be in sight of my own.
What has taken me by surprise is the deep grief I feel as they leave this (admittedly imperfect) nest. Why am I surprised that the independence that grew in my own heart when I was a young adult now grows in theirs?
I love my own parents immensely and would give anything to have another day with my dad. But I don’t feel the need to still live with them. Why do I feel so emotional about my children wanting to find their own place in the world?
When we had Haven, we experienced that seemingly-impossible dance of grief and joy. It was a loss that sometimes made it hurt to breathe and unthinkable to get out of bed and function. But, oh the joy we had in the time we had with him! Pure joy. And we experience both of those still.
This stage of life involves a similar tightrope walk of happy and sad, loss and gain, pride and humility. It is possible to be 100% happy for our children’s accomplishments and big milestones while grieving the absence of their daily presence and, frankly, their NEED for us.
Everyone is happy to share engagements, graduations, marriages, grandchildren, etc. Nobody talks about the feeling of sadness that comes along with all the good stuff. Nobody warned me that this time would be so hard. That I would cry more than I ever have in my life. That I would cling to every bit of time they carve out to be with us.
Don’t misunderstand- I am so proud of our people. I am so excited to have a front-row seat to see who and what they become. But I can also mourn the time when I was a part of their show.
I do have to include a couple disclaimers here. First, I know how blessed we are to have living children who we get to watch live their lives. I have dear ones who don’t have that privilege and it is certainly not lost on me.
Also, I know God has a plan for my children. He loves them more than I do. I trust that even though my mind races thinking of ways to push them in the directions I want them to go, His plan for them is good.
If you find yourself wondering why no one talks about the sense of sadness and loss that comes with this stage of parenting, know you’re not alone. I, for one, am happy to talk and pray and do my part to normalize acknowledging the hard parts.
