I'm not where I want to be. I'm not where I thought I would be. But I'm learning. And there are things that are BETTER than I could have imagined they would be.
Let's start with that. From the time I was big enough to play with baby dolls, being a mother has been at the top of my list. And I could have never imagined the four children the Lord has given me. They exceed my wildest dreams.
In the last 46 years, I have learned that having as many healthy children as you want isn't a given. Amelia, Owen, Haven, Wilson, and the teensiest one we lost before Haven, without knowing who he or she would have been, all had their role to play in shaping the person I am today. (I am not denying their OWN God-given purposes!)
I have also learned that you can survive things you never thought you could. You expect to lose your parents when you're older and they're "old." You don't expect to lose them when you're 29 and your youngest baby is 11 months old.
At now, freshly 46, I am just starting to really explore the fact that, though I have leaned on Jesus through it all, I don't have the healthiest coping mechanisms.
The looped-recording in my head sounds a little something like this, "Your dad died. You DESERVE that cake. It will make you feel better." "Your baby died. You deserve some ice cream." "Work has been stressful, you should definitely have some chocolate." "You did a great job at work today - you deserve to celebrate with a cupcake."
And on and on.
As much as I have learned not to take healthy babies and healthy parents for granted, I have neglected my own health.
And that's why I say that I am not where I want to be. I lost one of my dearest friend last year who would have given anything to have the health that I have taken for granted. And she's just one of many who I know would never treat their bodies with such disregard and disrespect.
That's something I want to really lean into this next year.
This may have been my most rambling post yet...but it's fine because it's my birthday and I can do whatever the heck I feel like I wanna do today and no one can tell me no. 😂
