Bay Bridge Lights

 When I was a little girl, we spent a lot of time in the summers at the lake with my extended family. Grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. Those days are some of my very best memories. I’m sure my love for the water comes from my dad’s family where such things have run deep for several generations. 

Other than the fun had on the boat and in the water during the day, one thing sticks out in my memory. The lights of the Sandusky Bay Bridge. I don’t know that I’ve ever felt as safe, cozy, and content as I did on those late night drives home. I would be snuggled up, ready to doze off, relishing the kind of tired that only comes from a day spent swimming, playing, laughing, and being a kid under the sun. 

I would always fall asleep on the way home, but never before we went over the bridge and I watched the lights of the bridge whiz by, lighting up the darkness, one by one. Everything was simple then. It seemed inconceivable that Gram and Gramps and my dad wouldn’t always be there. I never thought those many days of family togetherness would end. As a child, those were my people. The ones closest to me. Family get-togethers were a regular part of life and the Sanders family did them often and well. 

We were at the lake today, as we have been a million times since then, and for some reason, those sweet memories came back as we crossed the bridge. I was in a car full of the ones who are my people NOW. My own children. The ones little-girl me dreamed about. 

In the natural ebb and flow of life, we miss those little moments. I miss those people. I miss the family togetherness. I miss the carefree days when my biggest annoyance was having to stop playing to get slathered in another coating of sunscreen. I miss it all. 

But I am grateful to have had those magical days, surrounded by a big family. And now it’s our turn to grow our own extended family with our children and the people they add to the mix. Carrying pieces of the past and creating something new at the same time. Sometimes I’m in awe of how good my God has been to me. 

On Being Low

 People who know me well know that anxiety has been my nearly-constant companion for most of my life. But my experience with the flip side of that coin is less familiar. 

Like everyone, I have suffered in many ways throughout my life. The closest I can ever recall being actually depressed - in hindsight - is about a month after Haven was born. 

I didn’t want to get out of bed. One of my strongest memories of that time was when a friend from church was bringing us dinner. I didn’t have it in me to even meet her at the door. I remember telling her that I would be in bed and that she could put the food on the counter, not caring at all that the kitchen was messy and she probably had to move all manner of junk out of the way to make space for the meal she had so kindly prepared. 

All that to say that I’m not in that kind of place now. But I have felt pretty darn low the last few months. You may assume that it stems from losing my job. And it does play a role. Anyone who has been there knows it’s a massive shift in your life mentally, emotionally, and financially.

It opened my eyes to the fact that I had misplaced trust. I would say my trust was in Jesus, but I was also putting faith in money, my own abilities, and people.

I think the larger reason for my lowness now is a combination of things, not the least of which is the stage of life I’m in. My oldest child has an actual grown-up career. My youngest child is graduating from high school and leaving home in a few short months. And I will be starting a new career journey at the same time. (That will be for another day. 😉)

All of it combined with the financial strain we are currently under is a lot. 

I know we are so blessed and there are so many suffering much, much worse things. But we all have to feel and grieve and pray and deal with where we’re at. 

My prayer is that the Lord will use this time in my life to teach me, mold me, make me more like Him, and that I will always point to Him no matter what is swirling all around me.

Because at the end of the day, it’s not about me. It’s about Him. His plan. His path. His glory. I’m just blessed to be along for the ride.

[Disclaimer: I am not equating feeling low with the deep, dark depression that so many suffer from. I would never want to give the impression that I think they are the same thing!]